Saver or Spender

A TIP FOR MANAGING YOUR SPENDING AT THE HOLIDAYS

Identify which of you tends to be the spender and which tends to be the saver. In every relationship, one person takes on the role of the spender while the other takes on the role of the saver. In the process, we project a part of ourselves onto our partner. For example, the saver projects their "inner spender" on to their partner while the spender protects their "inner saver" on to their partner. This way we avoid taking personal responsibility for our attitudes. Instead of struggling internally about how to balance the family budget, we engage in a power struggle with our partner. When you understand this, there's no longer any need for the power struggle. You just need to work things out together.

Reality Check

A TIP FOR MANAGING YOUR TIME AT THE HOLIDAYS

Begin with a reality check. What are the current time constraints that you can and cannot control? Be realistic. This is no time to bite off more than you can chew. Be generous while estimating time. Tasks, such as shopping, usually take more time than we expect. Be gentle with yourself when you get behind.

Decide Together

A TIP FOR MANAGING YOUR SPENDING AT THE HOLIDAYS

Make a mutual decision about spending limits. Every family has limited resources when it comes to holiday spending. By making a mutual decision on spending limits, you will avoid conflicts in your relationship and minimize the post holiday hangover from excessive credit debt.

Authority and Amends

"The purpose of making amends is to undo errors, repair damage, and make ourselves and those we have wronged feel better." - Alex Packer

The making of amends is a powerful tool for healing broken relationships. This is especially meaningful for parents in recovery. Some parents in recovery imagine that making amends to their children will undermine their authority. Nothing could be further from the truth. Honesty and humility strengthen the authority of parents rather than undermined it.

AFFIRMATIONS FOR A STRESS-FREE HOLIDAY

12 AFFIRMATIONS FOR A STRESS-FREE HOLIDAY

By Thomas and Judy Wright

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1. I will remember that stress comes from within me. It is my reaction to situations and events around me.

2. I will live one day at a time.

3. I will do one thing at a time.

4. I will do the best I can, then put it away and not worry about it.

5. I will learn from my mistakes while being gentle with myself.

6. I will remind myself that there are always options.

7. I will treat all people with respect, including myself.

8. I will take time to enjoy my affectionate relationships.

9. I will express my feelings honestly each day.

10. I will attend to my real needs.

11. I will take time to gently grieve my losses.

12. I will attend to my spiritual needs in ways that comfort me.

Rebuilding Trust

"Once a child develops a feeling of distrust for his parents, the feeling extends into personal isolation and general feelings of unsureness, personal imbalance, and rebellion." - Virginia Satir

Rebuilding damaged trust is a major task for parents and recovery. By the time parents get into recovery, they have usually destroyed a lot of trust that their children once had in them. This trust can be repaired but it takes time, patience and steady goodwill.

Sharing Self-respect

"Dare to be different; share your self-respect with others." -- Maxwell Maltz

Sharing self-respect should be easy. It should be a natural thing to do. Sharing your self-respect with your children will benefit you both. What would this mean in practice? It means modeling self-respect and respecting your children. Treating your children with respect is the best way to model self-respect.

One Day at a Time

"Teaching our children to live one day at a time is one of the greatest gifts we can offer them. It means teaching them to be patient and accepting, to have faith and perspective. It means encouraging them to take good care of themselves, to seek progress rather than perfection." - Alex Parker

Children are inpatient by nature. They will learn patience from our example as well as from our instruction. Our calm encouragement helps them to be more accepting of themselves and others. When we support their progress rather than demanding perfection, we help them to live one day at a time.

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Forgive Your Parents

"Our parents brought us the best way they knew how. Based on the information they had, and the example that was set for them, they ventured forth into the unknown territory known as 'parenthood.' To blame them endlessly for a lousy job of parenting is fruitless and destructive." -- Andrew Matthews

It's time to forgive your parents and stop blaming them for screwing up your life. You have both the ability and responsibility to make your own life work, regardless of how your parents lived their lives. Just see to it that your children have a better foundation for their lives then you were given for yours.

Giving and Getting

"There is no established rule that says one person has to do all the giving and everyone else does the getting. Yet some families cripple themselves by appointing a specific person to be the giver, and nothing ever changes." - Virginia Satir

It is important for children to witness their parents sharing, not only household tasks, but the emotional give-and-take of a healthy relationship as well. Otherwise, they will grow up with distorted ideas about relationships. A good marriage is a relationship in which there is a high degree of mutual the satisfaction. While none of us will ever get all we want or expect from our partner, but we can negotiate in good faith to meet one another's needs.

Peace and Power

"Most people want peace without the aloneness of power. And they want the self-confidence of adulthood without having to grow up." - M. Scott Peck

To become a competent parent takes courage. We must accept our power to shape our children's lives for good or for ill. We won't become self-confident by being their chums. Peace and power are two sides of the same coin.

Perfection is a Mistake

"You are your worst enemy when you want to be perfect. You become fearful of making a mistake, so you don't assert yourself; therefore you cannot achieve happiness in life. You cannot gain friendship that way or in any negative way where you symbolically walk around on your knees trying to get attention by trying to please everybody." -- Maxwell Maltz

While we want our children to behave properly, it is an unnecessary burden, and even harmful, to expect them to be perfect. As parents, we must learn the means of correcting children's behavior without implying that we expect them to be perfect. Far too many children from perfectionistic families grow up believing they can never please their parents, that they are never good enough, or that they are never truly loved.

Look at One Another in the Present

"What is so important to remember is to look at one another in the present, in the here and now. Eyes clouded with regret for the past or fear for the future limit your vision and offer little chance for growth or change." -- Virginia Satir

All too often parents worry so much about their child's future that they are not connected with them in the here and now. It's important to live in the present with children. The past is over and gone and the future has not yet come. Make a point to cherish the present moment with your children because it is at the only time you have with them.

Adolescent Rage

"Adolescent rage is the biggest learning disability in our culture. Adolescent rage often becomes adolescent boredom, apathy, not noticing, not caring. Angry children will not learn well, fare well, live well and certainly will not act well." - Terry Kellogg and Marvel Harrison

Spoiled children have an exaggerated sense of entitlement. Exaggerated entitlement is often accompanied by rage. When spoiled children are denied their desires, they respond is rage. They use rage to make demands on their parents. A well mannered child has a sense of social interest.

Tolerance for Thinking

"While all forms of thinking should be tolerated, some forms of behavior should not be. In the end it is behavior that counts." - M. Scott Peck

As parents, it is important to allow our children to express themselves freely, even when they're upset and frustrated. It is equally important to set limits and establish boundaries concerning their behavior. Children who are free to express their thoughts and feelings are less prone to act out when they're upset. Make sure when your children are expressing their frustration that they talk about their feelings without labeling or attacking others.

Straight Communication

"It is my belief that any family communication not leading to realness or straight, single levels of meaning cannot possibly lead to the trust and love that, of course, nourish members of the family." - Virginia Satir

Straight communication is rarely experienced in chemically dependent family systems. In our recovery, we are learning to communicate in direct, non-gamy ways. We practice saying what we mean, and meaning what we say. We try to avoid all hidden meanings. If we're upset, we say so. No hidden agendas.

Parental Authority

"The authority of the parents versus the freedom of expression by their children, is a common challenge in households. Children have hope and the future on their side; adults have maturity and wisdom on theirs. But parental authority is wrong when it results in punishment brought on by a lack of open-mindedness and understanding. Discipline properly executed on the child, who secretly craves guidance, must have creative characteristics rather than destructive traits. Discipline is more a test of the adult who uses it to of the child who receives it." - Maxwell Maltz

Too many families are locked in power struggles between parents and children. Children need our discipline and guidance. What they fight against is closed mindedness and rigid thinking on the part of parents. Discipline must be creative, open-minded and aimed always at the social and moral development of the child, and not simply a defense of parental authority.

Setting the Pattern

"The quality of our relationships with their parents creates a pattern. If, as children, we experienced guilt or disapproval then we will continue to attract and associate with people who treat us as 'bad' people. Similarly, if we experienced love and approval as children, then, as adults we will gravitate toward people who treat us with respect. In short, we attract what we expect and the world treats us as we believe we deserve to be treated. - Andrew Matthews

One of the important gifts we can give our children is a positive self-image. By treating our children with respect, we create for them a firm foundation for their lives. On the other hand, if we treat them harshly and with negative evaluation, we will cripple them for life. As parents, we have a tremendous influence over the mental and emotional development of our children. We can't not influence them. Their lives will be shaped by the way we treat them. Treat them well.

Keep it Simple

"Nowhere is keeping it simple more essential than in raising our children. One-day-at-a-time parents recognize how much needless worry and trouble they create for themselves and their kids when they lose sight of what is important." ­­­-- Alex Parker

Keeping it simple means remembering what is important. Simplicity eliminates the unnecessary and retains the essential. Worry and stress are unnecessary - love and forgiveness are essential. Life is simply grand when we focus on the essentials.

Those Who Believe

"Spending time with people who believe you'll never really amount to anything will dampen your enthusiasm for pursuing your goals and make it difficult to move through life in the direction you want to go. On the other hand, people who instill confidence in you with a can-do attitude, people whose spirits are uplifting, will help breathe new life into your plans and dreams." - Daniel Amen

Children are easily discouraged by adults who consistently ridicule them and put them down. On the other hand, those who believe in their children's ability do more than stimulate them. They create for them an atmosphere in which it becomes easier to succeed. Make a point to support your child's dreams and show enthusiasm for their ideas.