Making amends is a healing activity which we can share with our children. As parents we can model this behavior as well as teach our children how to make amends. Through making amends, children are able to experience the healing power of personal responsibility and forgiveness.
Self-acceptance always includes accepting our humanness. Our humanness includes the fact that all parents make mistakes. To be unwilling to accept the nature of our mistakes is to live in denial. Because we can go nowhere from where we are not, all change and personal growth begins by accepting our mistakes.
It's important to acknowledge our strengths as well as our weaknesses. All families have problems and challenges. It is not useful to over emphasize weaknesses and under emphasize strengths. Success is more the result of building on the strengths that it is eliminating all weaknesses.
Perfectionism is a curse. God's love for us is not dependent on our past, our performance or our perfectionism. None of us can be a perfect parent, or perfect anything else. We must all practice the courage to be imperfect. Perfectionism is a burden that robs ones life of joy in spontaneity.
Friedman is a very busy man, but he has his priorities straight. As parents, we have to take responsibility to guide and direct our children rather then simply buy them the latest gadgets to entertain themselves so we don't have to deal with them one on one. Actively involved parents are a joy to their kids.
There is so much we can learn from our children. All we have to do is observe their eagerness to look at the world around them and learn how it works. They are naturally curious and trusting, eager to explore and discover what is around the next corner. We would do well to encourage and support their enthusiasm for learning.
"We love those who know the worst of us - and don't turn their faces away." - Walker Percy
This is the essence of unconditional love. Our children need to know that we will never turn away from them, in spite of any mistakes they make or any bad decisions they make. We all need those special persons in our lives who will stand by us, no matter what. Parents who play this role will never be disappointed because children who feel loved and accepted are eager to earn our respect.
Healthy family life requires a proper balance between structure and chaos. With too much structure, there is no room for creativity, reflection and personal expression. Too much chaos leads to uncertainty and constant anxiety. Families need a meaningful level of predictability in order to function properly. It is our job as parents to provide this health balance for our children.
When parents attempt to control their children - including their thoughts, feelings and behavior - this attempt ultimately backfires. When you believe it is possible for parents to control their children - and discover that you can't do it -abusive is inevitable. You will either abuse your children verbally, emotionally, or physically - or you will abuse yourself with shame and guilt. As parents, we have tremendous influence over the lives of our children. Influence is not the same as control, however. We cannot control their minds or their behavior. By using the full scope of our positive influence, however, we can encourage, guide and direct our children without causing destructive power struggles.
While Blanchard is here talking about managers in a business context, his wisdom applies to children as well. Children need encouragement in order to grow and perform well. We can encourage their effort as well as their cheerful attitude. It is unnecessary to wait until a child has done a task perfectly before we acknowledge them for their effort. Encouragement is not the same as false praise.
Our children often have a melt-down when things don't go exactly the way they want or expect. When that happens, we have an opportunity to teach them the importance of acceptance. Too often I see parents miss this opportunity entirely. Instead, they bribe their child with promises in an effort to distract them from their disappointment. It is better to use patient conversation to guide them in the way of acceptance.
This is highly useful advice for parents. When we face an issue of discipline, resistance or disobedience with our child, it is very important to check our first impulse. Our first impulse is most often triggered by fear of losing control of the situation or we are acting on the reflexive desire to reinforce our authority. When we take a moment to think before we speak, we are more likely to avoid an emotional scene or a power struggle. You can always ask questions such as, "How do you see this?" Or, "What is important to you at this moment?" By asking non-threatening questions, you can buy yourself some time to think as well as calm your inner mind so that you can actually pay attention to your child rather than reacting to them.
It is all too easy to use your child to advance your own agenda in a power struggle with your partner. This unfortunate strategy has terrible consequences for your child. When your child feels caught between competing parents, that child will become anxious and emotionally disturbed. Your child will begin to lie in an attempt to escape from being caught in the middle. Make a commitment to yourself and your partner to never put your child in the middle of your relationship when there is conflict.
Farmer correctly draws attention to the importance of time alone. Some people require more solitude than others. Solitude is often a difficult thing to ask for in marriage because your partner may interpret your request for solitude as a desire to avoid them. In fact, the need for solitude has very little to do with the other person in your life.
"Trust comes from a sense of emotional safety, and emotional safety comes from parents being there for you with reasonable consistency." - Steven Farmer
Trust is an essential aspect of healthy relationships. Our children need to be able to trust us. Without trust, there is no emotional safety. This results in chronic anxiety and emotional insecurity. Always make a point to keep your word.
Kindness is a healing balm for smoothing misery, a remedy for loneliness and alienation. Courage is the quality of mind that overcomes hesitancy and enables us to face our fears and challenges without shrinking or evading the task at hand. Kindness and courage are most precious gifts to be shared with our children.
While McKay was referring to adults, the same can be said for adolescents as well. The task of adolescence is to develop one's own individuality, one's own identity, one's own point of view that is separate from their parents. In order to develop properly, adolescents need enough emotional room to be loyal to themselves without becoming obstinately defiant toward their parents. This requires a delicate balance that few families successfully establish.
While McKay was referring to adults, the same can be said for adolescents as well. The task of adolescence is to develop one's own individuality, one's own identity, one's own point of view that is separate from their parents. In order to develop properly, adolescents need enough emotional room to be loyal to themselves without becoming obstinately defiant toward their parents. This requires a delicate balance that few families successfully establish.
There are no shortcuts to excellence, whether in education, the arts, business or sports. Aristotle wrote, "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit." We need to encourage our children to develop the habit of excellence. Excellence only comes with repeated practice. While our children often resist practicing, it is our job as parents to encourage and support the virtues of repetition and practice.
How often do we think about providing our children with joy? And yet joy is as essential as clothing to sustain the life of our children. A joyful Child is more apt to become a creative and productive adult than a joyless child. A joyful home nourishes the spirits of all who enter as well as all who abide there.
"We are all generals. Whatever action we take may influence the course of civilization." - M. Scott Peck
If, as Peck observes, our actions may influence the course of civilization, how much more do our actions influence the character and development of our children. Our children are watching us as they learn to relate of one another, make choices and decisions. What will your children conclude from watching you as you face important and difficult decisions?
As parents we need to help our children learn to discipline what they think and say. We can do this modeling as well as by clear instruction. Self-discipline, while not very popular these days, nonetheless is a main ingredient of maturity.
This applies to parents as well. While it is very important for you as a parent of provide your child with firm rules, limits and guidelines (some parents fail miserably at this) it is also important to recognize new situations and adapt your positions accordingly. If you never allow your child to change your mind on an issue once you have taken a stand, your child will grow up feeling powerless when dealing with any authority figure. Feeling powerless when dealing with authority leads to passivity, resignation and helplessness.
Our children are more likely to imitate what we do than follow what we say. Providing them with reliable models of the behavior and values we espouse is more effective than either preaching to them or scolding them.
"If you stop and think about it, some of the greatest challenges you ever faced were in your first few years, as you took on the problems of walking, talking, writing, and so on. What is more, you managed all these things!" - Andrew Matthews
Problems and challenges are the stuff of life. Meeting these challenges and solving these problems provide us with a sense of meaning and purpose. Overprotective parents cheat their children out of the adventure of meeting challenges and solving problems, along with the satisfaction that comes from these positive experiences.
Anxiety is transmitted quite easily from parent to child. Children become worried and anxious about the things their parents are worried and anxious about. We must be careful not to worry "out loud" about all the things that go on in our minds as conscientious parents. If you are a real "worrier," make a point not to impress your children with your worries.
When a child feels secure, loved and valued, they are more confident in themselves and more resistant to negative peer pressure. A child who experiences a secure emotional bond with his or her parents is more adventurous, confident and self-assured out in the world.
