One Day at a Time

"Teaching our children to live one day at a time is one of the greatest gifts we can offer them. It means teaching them to be patient and accepting, to have faith and perspective. It means encouraging them to take good care of themselves, to seek progress rather than perfection." - Alex Parker

Children are inpatient by nature. They will learn patience from our example as well as from our instruction. Our calm encouragement helps them to be more accepting of themselves and others. When we support their progress rather than demanding perfection, we help them to live one day at a time.

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Forgive Your Parents

"Our parents brought us the best way they knew how. Based on the information they had, and the example that was set for them, they ventured forth into the unknown territory known as 'parenthood.' To blame them endlessly for a lousy job of parenting is fruitless and destructive." -- Andrew Matthews

It's time to forgive your parents and stop blaming them for screwing up your life. You have both the ability and responsibility to make your own life work, regardless of how your parents lived their lives. Just see to it that your children have a better foundation for their lives then you were given for yours.

Giving and Getting

"There is no established rule that says one person has to do all the giving and everyone else does the getting. Yet some families cripple themselves by appointing a specific person to be the giver, and nothing ever changes." - Virginia Satir

It is important for children to witness their parents sharing, not only household tasks, but the emotional give-and-take of a healthy relationship as well. Otherwise, they will grow up with distorted ideas about relationships. A good marriage is a relationship in which there is a high degree of mutual the satisfaction. While none of us will ever get all we want or expect from our partner, but we can negotiate in good faith to meet one another's needs.

Peace and Power

"Most people want peace without the aloneness of power. And they want the self-confidence of adulthood without having to grow up." - M. Scott Peck

To become a competent parent takes courage. We must accept our power to shape our children's lives for good or for ill. We won't become self-confident by being their chums. Peace and power are two sides of the same coin.

Perfection is a Mistake

"You are your worst enemy when you want to be perfect. You become fearful of making a mistake, so you don't assert yourself; therefore you cannot achieve happiness in life. You cannot gain friendship that way or in any negative way where you symbolically walk around on your knees trying to get attention by trying to please everybody." -- Maxwell Maltz

While we want our children to behave properly, it is an unnecessary burden, and even harmful, to expect them to be perfect. As parents, we must learn the means of correcting children's behavior without implying that we expect them to be perfect. Far too many children from perfectionistic families grow up believing they can never please their parents, that they are never good enough, or that they are never truly loved.

Look at One Another in the Present

"What is so important to remember is to look at one another in the present, in the here and now. Eyes clouded with regret for the past or fear for the future limit your vision and offer little chance for growth or change." -- Virginia Satir

All too often parents worry so much about their child's future that they are not connected with them in the here and now. It's important to live in the present with children. The past is over and gone and the future has not yet come. Make a point to cherish the present moment with your children because it is at the only time you have with them.

Adolescent Rage

"Adolescent rage is the biggest learning disability in our culture. Adolescent rage often becomes adolescent boredom, apathy, not noticing, not caring. Angry children will not learn well, fare well, live well and certainly will not act well." - Terry Kellogg and Marvel Harrison

Spoiled children have an exaggerated sense of entitlement. Exaggerated entitlement is often accompanied by rage. When spoiled children are denied their desires, they respond is rage. They use rage to make demands on their parents. A well mannered child has a sense of social interest.

Tolerance for Thinking

"While all forms of thinking should be tolerated, some forms of behavior should not be. In the end it is behavior that counts." - M. Scott Peck

As parents, it is important to allow our children to express themselves freely, even when they're upset and frustrated. It is equally important to set limits and establish boundaries concerning their behavior. Children who are free to express their thoughts and feelings are less prone to act out when they're upset. Make sure when your children are expressing their frustration that they talk about their feelings without labeling or attacking others.

Straight Communication

"It is my belief that any family communication not leading to realness or straight, single levels of meaning cannot possibly lead to the trust and love that, of course, nourish members of the family." - Virginia Satir

Straight communication is rarely experienced in chemically dependent family systems. In our recovery, we are learning to communicate in direct, non-gamy ways. We practice saying what we mean, and meaning what we say. We try to avoid all hidden meanings. If we're upset, we say so. No hidden agendas.

Parental Authority

"The authority of the parents versus the freedom of expression by their children, is a common challenge in households. Children have hope and the future on their side; adults have maturity and wisdom on theirs. But parental authority is wrong when it results in punishment brought on by a lack of open-mindedness and understanding. Discipline properly executed on the child, who secretly craves guidance, must have creative characteristics rather than destructive traits. Discipline is more a test of the adult who uses it to of the child who receives it." - Maxwell Maltz

Too many families are locked in power struggles between parents and children. Children need our discipline and guidance. What they fight against is closed mindedness and rigid thinking on the part of parents. Discipline must be creative, open-minded and aimed always at the social and moral development of the child, and not simply a defense of parental authority.

Setting the Pattern

"The quality of our relationships with their parents creates a pattern. If, as children, we experienced guilt or disapproval then we will continue to attract and associate with people who treat us as 'bad' people. Similarly, if we experienced love and approval as children, then, as adults we will gravitate toward people who treat us with respect. In short, we attract what we expect and the world treats us as we believe we deserve to be treated. - Andrew Matthews

One of the important gifts we can give our children is a positive self-image. By treating our children with respect, we create for them a firm foundation for their lives. On the other hand, if we treat them harshly and with negative evaluation, we will cripple them for life. As parents, we have a tremendous influence over the mental and emotional development of our children. We can't not influence them. Their lives will be shaped by the way we treat them. Treat them well.

Keep it Simple

"Nowhere is keeping it simple more essential than in raising our children. One-day-at-a-time parents recognize how much needless worry and trouble they create for themselves and their kids when they lose sight of what is important." ­­­-- Alex Parker

Keeping it simple means remembering what is important. Simplicity eliminates the unnecessary and retains the essential. Worry and stress are unnecessary - love and forgiveness are essential. Life is simply grand when we focus on the essentials.

Those Who Believe

"Spending time with people who believe you'll never really amount to anything will dampen your enthusiasm for pursuing your goals and make it difficult to move through life in the direction you want to go. On the other hand, people who instill confidence in you with a can-do attitude, people whose spirits are uplifting, will help breathe new life into your plans and dreams." - Daniel Amen

Children are easily discouraged by adults who consistently ridicule them and put them down. On the other hand, those who believe in their children's ability do more than stimulate them. They create for them an atmosphere in which it becomes easier to succeed. Make a point to support your child's dreams and show enthusiasm for their ideas.

Personal Responsibility

By attempting to avoid responsibility for our own behavior, we are giving away our power to some other individual or organization. In this way, millions daily attempt to escape from freedom. - M. Scott Peck

It is important to teach our children to be responsible for their choices and their behavior. We do our children no favors by protecting them from the consequences of their choices. In being overprotective, we rob them of personal power. When we blame others we have given away the key to our own freedom.

State-dependent Learning

"The most important moments to focus on in parent-child interactions are those moments when the child is emotional. Kids learn about anger when they are actually angry. Then, when they are angry once again, they will have access to this learning. Learning about emotion is state-dependent." - Hiam Ginott

Too often we try to teach our children about emotions when they are not emotional. State-dependent experiences, such as anger, can be fully understood only when we are in the same mental state where the emotion was originally experienced. State-dependent learning is the most useful kind because the learning is in our bones.

Our Relatedness to Others

"We learn to listen better to ourselves and to others. As we do that, we enhance our capacity for learning, for seeing things as they are, for loving, and for making a more significant contribution to the well-being of the world. The quality of life does change as we do these practices, both in terms of increased inner peace and in terms of our capacity to deepen our relatedness to each other." - Francis Vaughan

Vaughn recognizes the wonderful paradox that our relatedness to others is increased as we do our own inner work. The more we delve into our own spirituality the closer we become to those around us. As we reflect on our own experience, we discover that it is often a microcosm of the whole human experience.

Our Daily Inventory

"Our daily inventory needs to be a review of what we said and did and its impact on those around us."- Terry Kellogg and Marvel Harrison

Step 10, taking a personal inventory, is a critical part of our recovery. It is the method we use for personal accountability. Without accountability, we cannot heal and repair our relationships. Repairing our relationships is central to our recovery as parents.

Degradation or Acceptance

"Trying to be what you are not is degradation." -- Maxwell Maltz

The quickest and surest way to lower your self-esteem is to pretend to be someone you're not. Whenever you try to be someone different than who you are, you are secretly judging and finding fault with yourself. When you fail to accept your self the way you are, you are putting your self down. Self acceptance is an essential aspect of good self-esteem.

Process is Everything!

"Process is everything. We can only teach kindness kindly. We can only teach respect by being respectful. We can only teach politeness by being polite with our children. You can't say, 'You stupid idiot, I said to be polite!'" -- John Gottman

Children learn more from how we conduct ourselves with them than from what we talk about to them. Our actions and our words must be consistent. Children are very sensitive to phoniness. When our words and behavior don't match, our children will imitate how we act more often than following what we say.

Emotions

"Emotions are at the heart of any relationship. They are your life's energy. The pulse of the relationship depends in large part on how you and your partner manage and communicate your feelings. This requires honesty, openness, and lots of tender, loving, attentive care - care for your feelings and for your partners."- Steven Farmer

The emotional exchange between children's parents plays a huge role in their development and wellbeing. The free flow of loving kindness, mutual respect and honest communication form the foundation of a healthy home.

The Road To Self-Improvement

"Change is difficult. The action of a poor self-image is always to perpetuate itself. As we start out on the road to self-improvement, the tendency is to keep replaying the old patterns of blame, guilt and self denigration." -- Andrew Matthews

The mental programs of self-blame and guilt are not easy to overcome. Positive self-talk is the best place to start. By reprogramming your mind with positive thoughts you will eventually defeat the negativity that is associated with your life prior to recovery.

Living in the Present

"Too many of us see yesterday, not today, when we look in the mirror." -- Maxwell Maltz

As parents and recovery, we come with lots of baggage from our past. This baggage has a tendency to drag us backwards. We must learn to live in the moment while looking forward to the future. As we apply the principles of recovery we are more and more able to live in day-tight compartments.