Perfection is a Mistake

"You are your worst enemy when you want to be perfect. You become fearful of making a mistake, so you don't assert yourself; therefore you cannot achieve happiness in life. You cannot gain friendship that way or in any negative way where you symbolically walk around on your knees trying to get attention by trying to please everybody." -- Maxwell Maltz

While we want our children to behave properly, it is an unnecessary burden, and even harmful, to expect them to be perfect. As parents, we must learn the means of correcting children's behavior without implying that we expect them to be perfect. Far too many children from perfectionistic families grow up believing they can never please their parents, that they are never good enough, or that they are never truly loved.

Look at One Another in the Present

"What is so important to remember is to look at one another in the present, in the here and now. Eyes clouded with regret for the past or fear for the future limit your vision and offer little chance for growth or change." -- Virginia Satir

All too often parents worry so much about their child's future that they are not connected with them in the here and now. It's important to live in the present with children. The past is over and gone and the future has not yet come. Make a point to cherish the present moment with your children because it is at the only time you have with them.

Adolescent Rage

"Adolescent rage is the biggest learning disability in our culture. Adolescent rage often becomes adolescent boredom, apathy, not noticing, not caring. Angry children will not learn well, fare well, live well and certainly will not act well." - Terry Kellogg and Marvel Harrison

Spoiled children have an exaggerated sense of entitlement. Exaggerated entitlement is often accompanied by rage. When spoiled children are denied their desires, they respond is rage. They use rage to make demands on their parents. A well mannered child has a sense of social interest.

Tolerance for Thinking

"While all forms of thinking should be tolerated, some forms of behavior should not be. In the end it is behavior that counts." - M. Scott Peck

As parents, it is important to allow our children to express themselves freely, even when they're upset and frustrated. It is equally important to set limits and establish boundaries concerning their behavior. Children who are free to express their thoughts and feelings are less prone to act out when they're upset. Make sure when your children are expressing their frustration that they talk about their feelings without labeling or attacking others.

Straight Communication

"It is my belief that any family communication not leading to realness or straight, single levels of meaning cannot possibly lead to the trust and love that, of course, nourish members of the family." - Virginia Satir

Straight communication is rarely experienced in chemically dependent family systems. In our recovery, we are learning to communicate in direct, non-gamy ways. We practice saying what we mean, and meaning what we say. We try to avoid all hidden meanings. If we're upset, we say so. No hidden agendas.

Parental Authority

"The authority of the parents versus the freedom of expression by their children, is a common challenge in households. Children have hope and the future on their side; adults have maturity and wisdom on theirs. But parental authority is wrong when it results in punishment brought on by a lack of open-mindedness and understanding. Discipline properly executed on the child, who secretly craves guidance, must have creative characteristics rather than destructive traits. Discipline is more a test of the adult who uses it to of the child who receives it." - Maxwell Maltz

Too many families are locked in power struggles between parents and children. Children need our discipline and guidance. What they fight against is closed mindedness and rigid thinking on the part of parents. Discipline must be creative, open-minded and aimed always at the social and moral development of the child, and not simply a defense of parental authority.

Setting the Pattern

"The quality of our relationships with their parents creates a pattern. If, as children, we experienced guilt or disapproval then we will continue to attract and associate with people who treat us as 'bad' people. Similarly, if we experienced love and approval as children, then, as adults we will gravitate toward people who treat us with respect. In short, we attract what we expect and the world treats us as we believe we deserve to be treated. - Andrew Matthews

One of the important gifts we can give our children is a positive self-image. By treating our children with respect, we create for them a firm foundation for their lives. On the other hand, if we treat them harshly and with negative evaluation, we will cripple them for life. As parents, we have a tremendous influence over the mental and emotional development of our children. We can't not influence them. Their lives will be shaped by the way we treat them. Treat them well.

Keep it Simple

"Nowhere is keeping it simple more essential than in raising our children. One-day-at-a-time parents recognize how much needless worry and trouble they create for themselves and their kids when they lose sight of what is important." ­­­-- Alex Parker

Keeping it simple means remembering what is important. Simplicity eliminates the unnecessary and retains the essential. Worry and stress are unnecessary - love and forgiveness are essential. Life is simply grand when we focus on the essentials.

Those Who Believe

"Spending time with people who believe you'll never really amount to anything will dampen your enthusiasm for pursuing your goals and make it difficult to move through life in the direction you want to go. On the other hand, people who instill confidence in you with a can-do attitude, people whose spirits are uplifting, will help breathe new life into your plans and dreams." - Daniel Amen

Children are easily discouraged by adults who consistently ridicule them and put them down. On the other hand, those who believe in their children's ability do more than stimulate them. They create for them an atmosphere in which it becomes easier to succeed. Make a point to support your child's dreams and show enthusiasm for their ideas.

Personal Responsibility

By attempting to avoid responsibility for our own behavior, we are giving away our power to some other individual or organization. In this way, millions daily attempt to escape from freedom. - M. Scott Peck

It is important to teach our children to be responsible for their choices and their behavior. We do our children no favors by protecting them from the consequences of their choices. In being overprotective, we rob them of personal power. When we blame others we have given away the key to our own freedom.

State-dependent Learning

"The most important moments to focus on in parent-child interactions are those moments when the child is emotional. Kids learn about anger when they are actually angry. Then, when they are angry once again, they will have access to this learning. Learning about emotion is state-dependent." - Hiam Ginott

Too often we try to teach our children about emotions when they are not emotional. State-dependent experiences, such as anger, can be fully understood only when we are in the same mental state where the emotion was originally experienced. State-dependent learning is the most useful kind because the learning is in our bones.

Our Relatedness to Others

"We learn to listen better to ourselves and to others. As we do that, we enhance our capacity for learning, for seeing things as they are, for loving, and for making a more significant contribution to the well-being of the world. The quality of life does change as we do these practices, both in terms of increased inner peace and in terms of our capacity to deepen our relatedness to each other." - Francis Vaughan

Vaughn recognizes the wonderful paradox that our relatedness to others is increased as we do our own inner work. The more we delve into our own spirituality the closer we become to those around us. As we reflect on our own experience, we discover that it is often a microcosm of the whole human experience.

Our Daily Inventory

"Our daily inventory needs to be a review of what we said and did and its impact on those around us."- Terry Kellogg and Marvel Harrison

Step 10, taking a personal inventory, is a critical part of our recovery. It is the method we use for personal accountability. Without accountability, we cannot heal and repair our relationships. Repairing our relationships is central to our recovery as parents.

Degradation or Acceptance

"Trying to be what you are not is degradation." -- Maxwell Maltz

The quickest and surest way to lower your self-esteem is to pretend to be someone you're not. Whenever you try to be someone different than who you are, you are secretly judging and finding fault with yourself. When you fail to accept your self the way you are, you are putting your self down. Self acceptance is an essential aspect of good self-esteem.

Process is Everything!

"Process is everything. We can only teach kindness kindly. We can only teach respect by being respectful. We can only teach politeness by being polite with our children. You can't say, 'You stupid idiot, I said to be polite!'" -- John Gottman

Children learn more from how we conduct ourselves with them than from what we talk about to them. Our actions and our words must be consistent. Children are very sensitive to phoniness. When our words and behavior don't match, our children will imitate how we act more often than following what we say.

Emotions

"Emotions are at the heart of any relationship. They are your life's energy. The pulse of the relationship depends in large part on how you and your partner manage and communicate your feelings. This requires honesty, openness, and lots of tender, loving, attentive care - care for your feelings and for your partners."- Steven Farmer

The emotional exchange between children's parents plays a huge role in their development and wellbeing. The free flow of loving kindness, mutual respect and honest communication form the foundation of a healthy home.

The Road To Self-Improvement

"Change is difficult. The action of a poor self-image is always to perpetuate itself. As we start out on the road to self-improvement, the tendency is to keep replaying the old patterns of blame, guilt and self denigration." -- Andrew Matthews

The mental programs of self-blame and guilt are not easy to overcome. Positive self-talk is the best place to start. By reprogramming your mind with positive thoughts you will eventually defeat the negativity that is associated with your life prior to recovery.

Living in the Present

"Too many of us see yesterday, not today, when we look in the mirror." -- Maxwell Maltz

As parents and recovery, we come with lots of baggage from our past. This baggage has a tendency to drag us backwards. We must learn to live in the moment while looking forward to the future. As we apply the principles of recovery we are more and more able to live in day-tight compartments.

Making Amends

"Children, too, need to learn how to make amends. Doing so allows them to take responsibility for their actions and to expiate the guilt and regret they often feel as a result of their misdeeds." - Alex Packer

Making amends is a healing activity which we can share with our children. As parents we can model this behavior as well as teach our children how to make amends. Through making amends, children are able to experience the healing power of personal responsibility and forgiveness.

Self-acceptance

"Self-acceptance is the beginning of confidence. To live successfully, realize that you were capable of making a mistake." - Maxwell Maltz

Self-acceptance always includes accepting our humanness. Our humanness includes the fact that all parents make mistakes. To be unwilling to accept the nature of our mistakes is to live in denial. Because we can go nowhere from where we are not, all change and personal growth begins by accepting our mistakes.

Strengths and Weaknesses

"How a family handles problems determines how functional they are. A trait of a low-functioning family is the inability to recognize its own strengths. Often we get so focused on what went wrong that we overlooked what went right." - Terry Kellogg and Marvel Harrison

It's important to acknowledge our strengths as well as our weaknesses. All families have problems and challenges. It is not useful to over emphasize weaknesses and under emphasize strengths. Success is more the result of building on the strengths that it is eliminating all weaknesses.

Perfectionism

"You don't have to be all things to your kids. And your kids don't want you to be either. It's a lot easier for them if they don't have to live up to someone who aspires to be God." -- Alex Packer

Perfectionism is a curse. God's love for us is not dependent on our past, our performance or our perfectionism. None of us can be a perfect parent, or perfect anything else. We must all practice the courage to be imperfect. Perfectionism is a burden that robs ones life of joy in spontaneity.

Put Away The iPod

"There comes a time when you've got to put away the Game Boys, turn off the television set, put away the iPod, and get your kids down to work." - Thomas L. Friedman

Friedman is a very busy man, but he has his priorities straight. As parents, we have to take responsibility to guide and direct our children rather then simply buy them the latest gadgets to entertain themselves so we don't have to deal with them one on one. Actively involved parents are a joy to their kids.

Learning

"Curiosity, experience and awareness are the keys to learning. The child is the natural student for whom learning is not work." - Terry Kellogg and Marvel Harrison

There is so much we can learn from our children. All we have to do is observe their eagerness to look at the world around them and learn how it works. They are naturally curious and trusting, eager to explore and discover what is around the next corner. We would do well to encourage and support their enthusiasm for learning.

Kara's New Career

Judy Wright interviews Kara Phillips about her new career as a Christian Life Coach




Kara's website

Unconditional Love

"We love those who know the worst of us - and don't turn their faces away." - Walker Percy

This is the essence of unconditional love. Our children need to know that we will never turn away from them, in spite of any mistakes they make or any bad decisions they make. We all need those special persons in our lives who will stand by us, no matter what. Parents who play this role will never be disappointed because children who feel loved and accepted are eager to earn our respect.

Structure and Chaos

"With no structure there is chaos. With total structure there is no room for emptiness." - M. Scott Peck

Healthy family life requires a proper balance between structure and chaos. With too much structure, there is no room for creativity, reflection and personal expression. Too much chaos leads to uncertainty and constant anxiety. Families need a meaningful level of predictability in order to function properly. It is our job as parents to provide this health balance for our children.

Control

The attempt to control everything that happens in the family only produces power struggles and conflicts.

When parents attempt to control their children - including their thoughts, feelings and behavior - this attempt ultimately backfires. When you believe it is possible for parents to control their children - and discover that you can't do it -abusive is inevitable. You will either abuse your children verbally, emotionally, or physically - or you will abuse yourself with shame and guilt. As parents, we have tremendous influence over the lives of our children. Influence is not the same as control, however. We cannot control their minds or their behavior. By using the full scope of our positive influence, however, we can encourage, guide and direct our children without causing destructive power struggles.

Approximation

"Catch people doing something approximately right." - Ken Blanchard

While Blanchard is here talking about managers in a business context, his wisdom applies to children as well. Children need encouragement in order to grow and perform well. We can encourage their effort as well as their cheerful attitude. It is unnecessary to wait until a child has done a task perfectly before we acknowledge them for their effort. Encouragement is not the same as false praise.

Be Willing To Have It So

"Be willing to have it so. Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune." - William James

Our children often have a melt-down when things don't go exactly the way they want or expect. When that happens, we have an opportunity to teach them the importance of acceptance. Too often I see parents miss this opportunity entirely. Instead, they bribe their child with promises in an effort to distract them from their disappointment. It is better to use patient conversation to guide them in the way of acceptance.

Talk Slowly

Talk slowly but think quickly.

This is highly useful advice for parents. When we face an issue of discipline, resistance or disobedience with our child, it is very important to check our first impulse. Our first impulse is most often triggered by fear of losing control of the situation or we are acting on the reflexive desire to reinforce our authority. When we take a moment to think before we speak, we are more likely to avoid an emotional scene or a power struggle. You can always ask questions such as, "How do you see this?" Or, "What is important to you at this moment?" By asking non-threatening questions, you can buy yourself some time to think as well as calm your inner mind so that you can actually pay attention to your child rather than reacting to them.

Child in the Middle

"There is a great temptation to employ the child as an ally against other adults, especially when the others try to use him in that manner." - Rudolph Dreikurs

It is all too easy to use your child to advance your own agenda in a power struggle with your partner. This unfortunate strategy has terrible consequences for your child. When your child feels caught between competing parents, that child will become anxious and emotionally disturbed. Your child will begin to lie in an attempt to escape from being caught in the middle. Make a commitment to yourself and your partner to never put your child in the middle of your relationship when there is conflict.

Solitude

"A vital boundary issue is taking time for yourself. It's so tempting to get caught up in the flurry of day-to-day business, in activities involving the children, or in your relationship that it's easy to forget to take time for yourself." - Steven Farmer

Farmer correctly draws attention to the importance of time alone. Some people require more solitude than others. Solitude is often a difficult thing to ask for in marriage because your partner may interpret your request for solitude as a desire to avoid them. In fact, the need for solitude has very little to do with the other person in your life.

Trust

"Trust comes from a sense of emotional safety, and emotional safety comes from parents being there for you with reasonable consistency." - Steven Farmer

Trust is an essential aspect of healthy relationships. Our children need to be able to trust us. Without trust, there is no emotional safety. This results in chronic anxiety and emotional insecurity. Always make a point to keep your word.

Kindness and Courage

“Life is mostly froth and bubble

Two things stand like a stone

KINDNESS in another’s trouble

COURAGE in your own.” — Adam Lindsey Gordon

Kindness is a healing balm for smoothing misery, a remedy for loneliness and alienation. Courage is the quality of mind that overcomes hesitancy and enables us to face our fears and challenges without shrinking or evading the task at hand. Kindness and courage are most precious gifts to be shared with our children.

Individuality

"If a man is not faithful to his own individuality, he cannot be loyal to anything." - Claude McKay

While McKay was referring to adults, the same can be said for adolescents as well. The task of adolescence is to develop one's own individuality, one's own identity, one's own point of view that is separate from their parents. In order to develop properly, adolescents need enough emotional room to be loyal to themselves without becoming obstinately defiant toward their parents. This requires a delicate balance that few families successfully establish.

Individuality

"If a man is not faithful to his own individuality, he cannot be loyal to anything." - Claude McKay

While McKay was referring to adults, the same can be said for adolescents as well. The task of adolescence is to develop one's own individuality, one's own identity, one's own point of view that is separate from their parents. In order to develop properly, adolescents need enough emotional room to be loyal to themselves without becoming obstinately defiant toward their parents. This requires a delicate balance that few families successfully establish.

Excellence Through Practice

"Help your children understand that excellence in education cannot be achieved without intellectual and moral integrity coupled by hard work and commitment." - National Commission on Excellence in Education, 1983.

There are no shortcuts to excellence, whether in education, the arts, business or sports. Aristotle wrote, "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit." We need to encourage our children to develop the habit of excellence. Excellence only comes with repeated practice. While our children often resist practicing, it is our job as parents to encourage and support the virtues of repetition and practice.

People Need Joy

"People need joy quite as much as clothing. Some of them need it far more." - Margaret Collier Graham

How often do we think about providing our children with joy? And yet joy is as essential as clothing to sustain the life of our children. A joyful Child is more apt to become a creative and productive adult than a joyless child. A joyful home nourishes the spirits of all who enter as well as all who abide there.

Influence

Influence

"We are all generals. Whatever action we take may influence the course of civilization." - M. Scott Peck

If, as Peck observes, our actions may influence the course of civilization, how much more do our actions influence the character and development of our children. Our children are watching us as they learn to relate of one another, make choices and decisions. What will your children conclude from watching you as you face important and difficult decisions?

Christmas excitement

The grandchildren were excited about openning their Christmas stockings.

Winter Solstice

Today is the Winter Solstice. As I was returning home this late afternoon, I witnessed a gorgeous sky over the lake, the same lake and sky that produce such gorgeous sunsets in the summer. Enjoy.





Moments later, Bach's Christmas Choral, O Little One Sweet, was playing on the radio in the car as I slowly crept into the cul de sac to return home.

Eave lights

The cold weather has lifted just enough for the eaves to drip. Some of our house Christmas lights are positioned just right to catch the eave drips and freeze on the bulbs.

What would December be without rehearsing Christmas music?

Buck runs throught the driveway

On November 3rd, a buck deer that we've been sighting lateley dashes through the yard and across the driveway. He was anxious to retreat when the neighbors dog came out on their deck next door.

September Weekend

Judy and I decided to share some of the natural beauty of Minnesota in September with out house guest, Joe Wade, visiting from Ireland. On the morning of Saturday, September 22, 2007 we set out on a road trip to northern Minnesota. Our first stop was the Father Hennepin State Park on the southern edge of Lake Millacs. The Maples were aflame and the oaks and ash were turning as well.

Father Hennepin State Park

Shores of Lake Superior

Gooseberry Falls

Al's 95th Birthday

Surrounded by family, Al reads birthday cards on his 95th birthday.

Christopher's birthday

On Christopher's birthday, the family gathered on Revere Circle.

Summer fawns at play

Summer Sunset on the Lake

Another pretty summer sunset on Medicine Lake in Plymouth Minnesota.

Kids love donut holes

Four generations enjoy a Sunday afternoon in spring.

Surviving the snows of 07

After several years of mild winters with no bragging rights, we finally experienced a good old Minnesota winter, like I remember from my childhood. This one brought real school closings and a genuine "snow day" when everyone staid home from work and school.





This is our deck after the first storm.










Trees were heavy with wet snow.

























9 inches of snow after the first storm of the week. Another 10-12 inches fell later int the week.
















The snow clung to the tree branches like a python.

The sun finally returns!

Judy and Davey

Nenagh Castle tower

Nenagh Castle tower standing 100 feet in height is a reminder of the first castle built by the great Butler family around 1220.


When the Normans came in the 12th century, a powerful warlord established himself here at Nenagh. The warrior, Theobald Fitzwalter, who occupied the lands and began the building of the castle. Appointed to be the Norman king’s butler, Theobald adopted Butler as his surname and was the originator of one of the greatest families of Ireland. He died in 1205, years before his grand castle could be completed.






An effort is being made currently in Nenagh to preserve and restore the tower and castle grounds.

On top of Aran Island at ancient Dun Aengus

Ireland is steeped in history. There are buildings still standing from the 5th and 6th centuries. We visited the ancient ruins on top of Aran Mor on the Aran Islands yesterday. Aran Mor is the largest of the three islands, about 9 miles long and 1 mile wide with 7 “villages” or clusters of houses. About 900 people still live on the three islands.
Dun Aengus, the greatest barbaric monument of the kind in existence, stands on a cliff three hundred feet above the sea. It is a hundred and forty-two feet in diameter, and has two stone walls fifteen feet thick and eighteen high.


Later, we stopped at the “7 churches”, and ancient monastery on the west side of Aran Mor. This monastery was started around 500. It thrived as an austere school for sanctity and learning with as many as 150 disciples at a time living on the island.

http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/01677b.htm

Colored Skys

The sky is a magical canvas as the sun sets over the lake

Sunset on the lake

A sequence of shots while the sun was setting on Medicine Lake