NO PROOF NEEDED

"Attempts to prove one's value are altogether futile. No proof can bring lasting self-confidence to anyone who doubts himself; no circumstance can be too trivial to serve as a testing ground for the uncertain." - Rudolf Dreikurs

This goes for parents as well. It is always a mistake to try to prove to your children that you love them. All you need do is ask yourself, "Do I love my children?" If the answer comes back "yes," then you are free to go about the business of being a parent to your children. All attempts to prove to your children that you love them will lead to disaster. Your children will quickly learn to exploit your insecurity by demanding evidence that you love them. These demands will gradually become more and more outrageous.

HELICOPTER PARENTS

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." - M. Scott Peck

What does this say about our tendency to over protect our children? Could it be that our desire to keep our children comfortable, happy and fulfilled is actually robbing them of the motivation they need to grow and mature? Parents who hover over their children have been labeled, "helicopter parents." An example of a helicopter parent is a parent who talks on the phone or text messages a college son or daughter several times each day. This form of interference undermines a young person's ability to discover life for him or herself.

THE NEED TO BELONG

"Children desperately want to belong. If they feel accepted, they maintain their courage and present few problems. They do what the situation requires and gets a sense of belonging through there usefulness and participation." - Floy Pepper

When children's belonging needs are met they are cooperative, well behaved, eager to learn and adventurous. On the other hand, when their belonging needs go unmet, children are troublesome, discouraged and mischievous. Their mischief and troublemaking is aimed at getting the attention they need but were unable to get through cooperative behavior.

THE CHILD AS ALLY

"There is a great temptation to employ the child as an ally against other adults, especially when the others try to use him in that manner." - Rudolph Dreikurs

All too often, parents pit a child against their other parent. A parent may do this by claiming that the child is offended by something the other parent says or does. When, in fact, it is the adult who takes offense at their partner's actions or words. It is never appropriate for one parent to recruit a child as an ally against the other parent. This confuses children and puts them in a loyalty bind.

LEARNING TO BE ASSERTIVE

"Assertive behavior promotes equality in human relationships, enabling us to act in our own best interests, to stand up for ourselves without undue anxiety, to express honest feelings conformably, to exercise personal rights without denying the rights of others." - Robert Alberti and Michael Emmons

It is important to teach our children to be assertive. To be assertive is not about pushing others around. It is about standing up for yourself. We cannot be with our children at every moment. It is important for them to know how to be assertive, to be able to express themselves and refuse to go along with others when they know it is wrong.

Dignity and Self-Respect

"You are your most important resource. You always carry yourself with you." - Virginia Satir

Virginia Satir, a gifted therapist and teacher, was a champion of self-esteem. She taught that dignity and self-respect were essentials for a responsible and fulfilling life. This is why it is so important to build our children up and never tear them down, not matter how frustrated we may be with their behavior. We must learn to set limits and establish discipline without doing damage to their dignity self-respect.

COURAGE TO SEE

"To look at something as though we had never seen it before requires great courage." -- Henri Matisse

While the famous impressionist artist, Matisse, was talking about seeing the world around him in a new and different light, the same thing in true of parents and their children. Sometimes it takes courage to see our children as unique, individual persons, and not merely extensions of ourselves.

AVOID A FIRST IMPULSE

"By acting on our first impulse, we tend to reinforce the child's behavior patterns, rather than to correct them." - Rudolph Dreikurs

Children are skilled at pushing our buttons. They only use what works. When we respond to our first impulse, we are often playing right into their hands. We must take a moment to think before we respond to our child's misbehavior. Our first impulse is usually a reaction to the situation and not a well thought out response. Mindful parenting requires us to slow down, act with patience and remain calm.

APPRECIATION IS A WONDERFUL THING

"Appreciation is a wonderful thing: It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well." -Voltaire

Whenever we express appreciation to others, we recommit ourselves to those same values and principles. Appreciation is a powerful antidote to discouragement, despair and poor self-esteem. Children who feel appreciated by their parents are happier and more productive. They are also more cooperatives and cheerful. As parents it's easy to become so preoccupied with trying to correct our children's behavior that we fail to appreciate them. Make a point to tell your children each day what to appreciate about them. It is not enough to simply know that you appreciate them, is important to tell them.

BRINGING OUT THE BEST

"Loving a child doesn't mean giving in to all his whims: to love him is to bring out the best in him, to teach him to love what is difficult." -- Nadia Boulanger

Boulanger was a famous music educator who taught pupils from all around the world. As a teacher, she was familiar with dealing with things that were difficult. She was highly regarded among her peers as an excellent teacher. In the above quotation she makes a clear distinction between coddling children and loving them, that is bringing out the best in them.

ACTION NOT WORDS

Children tend to become "parent-deaf" and act only when we raise our voices in a threatening manner.

When they are continually addressed in this manner, they only respond momentarily. In most cases, children know what we expect of them. By over-using our loud, threatening voice, we are conditioning our children to ignore ordinary conversation. Parents who raise their voices in an attempt to control their children are using their loud voice as a remote control device. They are too lazy to walk over to the child and speak in a calm but firm voice. Instead they yell from across the room -- or from another room-- in an unfriendly manner, hoping to save themselves the trouble of speaking to their child person-to-person. Practice communicating with your child in a firm but friendly way. Save your loud voice for emergencies.

HEALTHY SELF-IMAGE

"If you really do put a small value on yourself, rest assured that the world will not raise your price." - Anonymous

We do our children no favor by thinking small and putting ourselves down. It is important to value yourself, trust yourself and have faith in yourself. If you don't trust yourself, if you don't have faith in yourself, your children will not trust you or have faith in you either. This is not to say that one should have arrogant self regard. Maintaining a healthy self-image is a gift we offer to our children.

HONEST COMMUNICATION

"In order to become more honest in our relationships, we need to stop thinking of honesty as cold, hard truth. We also need to abandon the notion that being honest with children means taking their inventories. Instead, we need to think of honesty and sharing our feelings, ideas, and mistakes and allowing our children to share theirs - without fear of rejection or recrimination. Honesty means expressing affection and making amends, recognizing strengths and achievements. It is a moral fresh air - healthy, cleansing, and restorative." -- Alex Packer

How easy it is to mistake honesty for harsh truths, when in fact honesty can be a refreshingly sweet tonic. Honesty in our relationships with our children must include the words, " I love you" just as freely as it emphasizes the words, " I'm upset with you."

YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE YOURSELF

"Remember you cannot change your children. You can only change yourself. So, in what ways could you be different that would make life more peaceful for yourself? If you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've always got." - Noel Swanson

As parents, we're always looking for ways to change our children. What we should be looking for is ways to change ourselves. I'm not just talking about modeling, or setting an example. While these are helpful, our children don't always follow our example. They are however, affected by our moods, behaviors and attitudes. By remaining calm and reasonable when they are upset we create a more corporate atmosphere in the home.

Not Just The Best

Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best. -- Henry Van Dyke

Every child should be encouraged to develop and express his or her talents. We must be careful that we don't over play those children with special or obvious gifts. All children have talents. With some children we must look more carefully to discover them, however. Everyone needs encouragement and support.

BE YOURSELF

The snow goose need not bathe to make itself white. Neither need you do anything but be yourself. - Lao-Tzu

How wonderful to be accepted just the way we are. Gentle acceptance is something we can also offer our children. As parents, we sometimes work too hard at trying to shape and mold our children rather than accepting them. When children feel accepted, they are more cooperative and less inclined to frustrate us. When they feel they can be themselves they are more likely to succeed as well.

THE PRACTICE OF PEACE

"If you, yourself, are at peace, then there is at least some peace in the world." - Thomas Merton

As parents, we set a tone of peace or anxiousness in our home. The more we are able to practice peace and harmony, the easier it is for our children to learn and practice peace as well. The practice of peace begins with the voice. Speaking to one another in warm, calm tones is the beginning of peace. A shrill, raised voice always upsets the peace. It is possible to set limits and to discipline without raising one's voice.

Sharing Self-respect

"Dare to be different; share your self-respect with others." -- Maxwell Maltz

Sharing self-respect should be easy. It should be a natural thing to do. Sharing your self-respect with your children will benefit you both. What would this mean in practice? It means modeling self-respect and respecting your children. Treating your children with respect is the best way to model self-respect.

Forgive Your Parents

"Our parents brought us the best way they knew how. Based on the information they had, and the example that was set for them, they ventured forth into the unknown territory known as 'parenthood.' To blame them endlessly for a lousy job of parenting is fruitless and destructive." -- Andrew Matthews

It's time to forgive your parents and stop blaming them for screwing up your life. You have both the ability and responsibility to make your own life work, regardless of how your parents lived their lives. Just see to it that your children have a better foundation for their lives then you were given for yours.

Giving and Getting

"There is no established rule that says one person has to do all the giving and everyone else does the getting. Yet some families cripple themselves by appointing a specific person to be the giver, and nothing ever changes." - Virginia Satir

It is important for children to witness their parents sharing, not only household tasks, but the emotional give-and-take of a healthy relationship as well. Otherwise, they will grow up with distorted ideas about relationships. A good marriage is a relationship in which there is a high degree of mutual the satisfaction. While none of us will ever get all we want or expect from our partner, but we can negotiate in good faith to meet one another's needs.