Those Who Believe

"Spending time with people who believe you'll never really amount to anything will dampen your enthusiasm for pursuing your goals and make it difficult to move through life in the direction you want to go. On the other hand, people who instill confidence in you with a can-do attitude, people whose spirits are uplifting, will help breathe new life into your plans and dreams." - Daniel Amen

Children are easily discouraged by adults who consistently ridicule them and put them down. On the other hand, those who believe in their children's ability do more than stimulate them. They create for them an atmosphere in which it becomes easier to succeed. Make a point to support your child's dreams and show enthusiasm for their ideas.

Personal Responsibility

By attempting to avoid responsibility for our own behavior, we are giving away our power to some other individual or organization. In this way, millions daily attempt to escape from freedom. - M. Scott Peck

It is important to teach our children to be responsible for their choices and their behavior. We do our children no favors by protecting them from the consequences of their choices. In being overprotective, we rob them of personal power. When we blame others we have given away the key to our own freedom.

State-dependent Learning

"The most important moments to focus on in parent-child interactions are those moments when the child is emotional. Kids learn about anger when they are actually angry. Then, when they are angry once again, they will have access to this learning. Learning about emotion is state-dependent." - Hiam Ginott

Too often we try to teach our children about emotions when they are not emotional. State-dependent experiences, such as anger, can be fully understood only when we are in the same mental state where the emotion was originally experienced. State-dependent learning is the most useful kind because the learning is in our bones.

Our Relatedness to Others

"We learn to listen better to ourselves and to others. As we do that, we enhance our capacity for learning, for seeing things as they are, for loving, and for making a more significant contribution to the well-being of the world. The quality of life does change as we do these practices, both in terms of increased inner peace and in terms of our capacity to deepen our relatedness to each other." - Francis Vaughan

Vaughn recognizes the wonderful paradox that our relatedness to others is increased as we do our own inner work. The more we delve into our own spirituality the closer we become to those around us. As we reflect on our own experience, we discover that it is often a microcosm of the whole human experience.

Our Daily Inventory

"Our daily inventory needs to be a review of what we said and did and its impact on those around us."- Terry Kellogg and Marvel Harrison

Step 10, taking a personal inventory, is a critical part of our recovery. It is the method we use for personal accountability. Without accountability, we cannot heal and repair our relationships. Repairing our relationships is central to our recovery as parents.

Degradation or Acceptance

"Trying to be what you are not is degradation." -- Maxwell Maltz

The quickest and surest way to lower your self-esteem is to pretend to be someone you're not. Whenever you try to be someone different than who you are, you are secretly judging and finding fault with yourself. When you fail to accept your self the way you are, you are putting your self down. Self acceptance is an essential aspect of good self-esteem.

Process is Everything!

"Process is everything. We can only teach kindness kindly. We can only teach respect by being respectful. We can only teach politeness by being polite with our children. You can't say, 'You stupid idiot, I said to be polite!'" -- John Gottman

Children learn more from how we conduct ourselves with them than from what we talk about to them. Our actions and our words must be consistent. Children are very sensitive to phoniness. When our words and behavior don't match, our children will imitate how we act more often than following what we say.

Emotions

"Emotions are at the heart of any relationship. They are your life's energy. The pulse of the relationship depends in large part on how you and your partner manage and communicate your feelings. This requires honesty, openness, and lots of tender, loving, attentive care - care for your feelings and for your partners."- Steven Farmer

The emotional exchange between children's parents plays a huge role in their development and wellbeing. The free flow of loving kindness, mutual respect and honest communication form the foundation of a healthy home.

The Road To Self-Improvement

"Change is difficult. The action of a poor self-image is always to perpetuate itself. As we start out on the road to self-improvement, the tendency is to keep replaying the old patterns of blame, guilt and self denigration." -- Andrew Matthews

The mental programs of self-blame and guilt are not easy to overcome. Positive self-talk is the best place to start. By reprogramming your mind with positive thoughts you will eventually defeat the negativity that is associated with your life prior to recovery.

Living in the Present

"Too many of us see yesterday, not today, when we look in the mirror." -- Maxwell Maltz

As parents and recovery, we come with lots of baggage from our past. This baggage has a tendency to drag us backwards. We must learn to live in the moment while looking forward to the future. As we apply the principles of recovery we are more and more able to live in day-tight compartments.

Making Amends

"Children, too, need to learn how to make amends. Doing so allows them to take responsibility for their actions and to expiate the guilt and regret they often feel as a result of their misdeeds." - Alex Packer

Making amends is a healing activity which we can share with our children. As parents we can model this behavior as well as teach our children how to make amends. Through making amends, children are able to experience the healing power of personal responsibility and forgiveness.

Self-acceptance

"Self-acceptance is the beginning of confidence. To live successfully, realize that you were capable of making a mistake." - Maxwell Maltz

Self-acceptance always includes accepting our humanness. Our humanness includes the fact that all parents make mistakes. To be unwilling to accept the nature of our mistakes is to live in denial. Because we can go nowhere from where we are not, all change and personal growth begins by accepting our mistakes.

Strengths and Weaknesses

"How a family handles problems determines how functional they are. A trait of a low-functioning family is the inability to recognize its own strengths. Often we get so focused on what went wrong that we overlooked what went right." - Terry Kellogg and Marvel Harrison

It's important to acknowledge our strengths as well as our weaknesses. All families have problems and challenges. It is not useful to over emphasize weaknesses and under emphasize strengths. Success is more the result of building on the strengths that it is eliminating all weaknesses.

Perfectionism

"You don't have to be all things to your kids. And your kids don't want you to be either. It's a lot easier for them if they don't have to live up to someone who aspires to be God." -- Alex Packer

Perfectionism is a curse. God's love for us is not dependent on our past, our performance or our perfectionism. None of us can be a perfect parent, or perfect anything else. We must all practice the courage to be imperfect. Perfectionism is a burden that robs ones life of joy in spontaneity.

Put Away The iPod

"There comes a time when you've got to put away the Game Boys, turn off the television set, put away the iPod, and get your kids down to work." - Thomas L. Friedman

Friedman is a very busy man, but he has his priorities straight. As parents, we have to take responsibility to guide and direct our children rather then simply buy them the latest gadgets to entertain themselves so we don't have to deal with them one on one. Actively involved parents are a joy to their kids.

Learning

"Curiosity, experience and awareness are the keys to learning. The child is the natural student for whom learning is not work." - Terry Kellogg and Marvel Harrison

There is so much we can learn from our children. All we have to do is observe their eagerness to look at the world around them and learn how it works. They are naturally curious and trusting, eager to explore and discover what is around the next corner. We would do well to encourage and support their enthusiasm for learning.

Kara's New Career

Judy Wright interviews Kara Phillips about her new career as a Christian Life Coach




Kara's website

Unconditional Love

"We love those who know the worst of us - and don't turn their faces away." - Walker Percy

This is the essence of unconditional love. Our children need to know that we will never turn away from them, in spite of any mistakes they make or any bad decisions they make. We all need those special persons in our lives who will stand by us, no matter what. Parents who play this role will never be disappointed because children who feel loved and accepted are eager to earn our respect.

Structure and Chaos

"With no structure there is chaos. With total structure there is no room for emptiness." - M. Scott Peck

Healthy family life requires a proper balance between structure and chaos. With too much structure, there is no room for creativity, reflection and personal expression. Too much chaos leads to uncertainty and constant anxiety. Families need a meaningful level of predictability in order to function properly. It is our job as parents to provide this health balance for our children.

Control

The attempt to control everything that happens in the family only produces power struggles and conflicts.

When parents attempt to control their children - including their thoughts, feelings and behavior - this attempt ultimately backfires. When you believe it is possible for parents to control their children - and discover that you can't do it -abusive is inevitable. You will either abuse your children verbally, emotionally, or physically - or you will abuse yourself with shame and guilt. As parents, we have tremendous influence over the lives of our children. Influence is not the same as control, however. We cannot control their minds or their behavior. By using the full scope of our positive influence, however, we can encourage, guide and direct our children without causing destructive power struggles.