THE CHILD AS ALLY

"There is a great temptation to employ the child as an ally against other adults, especially when the others try to use him in that manner." - Rudolph Dreikurs

All too often, parents pit a child against their other parent. A parent may do this by claiming that the child is offended by something the other parent says or does. When, in fact, it is the adult who takes offense at their partner's actions or words. It is never appropriate for one parent to recruit a child as an ally against the other parent. This confuses children and puts them in a loyalty bind.

THE PROBLEM OF AFFLUENCE

"The penalty of affluence is that it cuts one off from the common lot, common experience, and common fellowship. In a sense it outlaws one automatically from one's birthright of membership in the great human family." - Arnold Toynbee

There is a hidden treasure in the current economic crisis. Financial hardship, especially when it is widespread, touching all classes, tends to bring people together in a common spirit. Affluence has an alienating effect, separating the rich from the poor, the affluent from those who struggle to make ends meet. When everyone struggles, we are more inclined to join hands and work together. This community spirit is long overdue in our culture.

LEARNING TO BE ASSERTIVE

"Assertive behavior promotes equality in human relationships, enabling us to act in our own best interests, to stand up for ourselves without undue anxiety, to express honest feelings conformably, to exercise personal rights without denying the rights of others." - Robert Alberti and Michael Emmons

It is important to teach our children to be assertive. To be assertive is not about pushing others around. It is about standing up for yourself. We cannot be with our children at every moment. It is important for them to know how to be assertive, to be able to express themselves and refuse to go along with others when they know it is wrong.

Dignity and Self-Respect

"You are your most important resource. You always carry yourself with you." - Virginia Satir

Virginia Satir, a gifted therapist and teacher, was a champion of self-esteem. She taught that dignity and self-respect were essentials for a responsible and fulfilling life. This is why it is so important to build our children up and never tear them down, not matter how frustrated we may be with their behavior. We must learn to set limits and establish discipline without doing damage to their dignity self-respect.

COURAGE TO SEE

"To look at something as though we had never seen it before requires great courage." -- Henri Matisse

While the famous impressionist artist, Matisse, was talking about seeing the world around him in a new and different light, the same thing in true of parents and their children. Sometimes it takes courage to see our children as unique, individual persons, and not merely extensions of ourselves.

AVOID A FIRST IMPULSE

"By acting on our first impulse, we tend to reinforce the child's behavior patterns, rather than to correct them." - Rudolph Dreikurs

Children are skilled at pushing our buttons. They only use what works. When we respond to our first impulse, we are often playing right into their hands. We must take a moment to think before we respond to our child's misbehavior. Our first impulse is usually a reaction to the situation and not a well thought out response. Mindful parenting requires us to slow down, act with patience and remain calm.

APPRECIATION IS A WONDERFUL THING

"Appreciation is a wonderful thing: It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well." -Voltaire

Whenever we express appreciation to others, we recommit ourselves to those same values and principles. Appreciation is a powerful antidote to discouragement, despair and poor self-esteem. Children who feel appreciated by their parents are happier and more productive. They are also more cooperatives and cheerful. As parents it's easy to become so preoccupied with trying to correct our children's behavior that we fail to appreciate them. Make a point to tell your children each day what to appreciate about them. It is not enough to simply know that you appreciate them, is important to tell them.

BRINGING OUT THE BEST

"Loving a child doesn't mean giving in to all his whims: to love him is to bring out the best in him, to teach him to love what is difficult." -- Nadia Boulanger

Boulanger was a famous music educator who taught pupils from all around the world. As a teacher, she was familiar with dealing with things that were difficult. She was highly regarded among her peers as an excellent teacher. In the above quotation she makes a clear distinction between coddling children and loving them, that is bringing out the best in them.

ACTION NOT WORDS

Children tend to become "parent-deaf" and act only when we raise our voices in a threatening manner.

When they are continually addressed in this manner, they only respond momentarily. In most cases, children know what we expect of them. By over-using our loud, threatening voice, we are conditioning our children to ignore ordinary conversation. Parents who raise their voices in an attempt to control their children are using their loud voice as a remote control device. They are too lazy to walk over to the child and speak in a calm but firm voice. Instead they yell from across the room -- or from another room-- in an unfriendly manner, hoping to save themselves the trouble of speaking to their child person-to-person. Practice communicating with your child in a firm but friendly way. Save your loud voice for emergencies.

REAL PEACE

"If we are not peaceful, if we are not feeling well in our skin, we cannot demonstrate real peace, and we cannot raise our children well either." - Thich Nhat Hanh

Real peace begins with inner peace. Inner peace is built upon self-acceptance. Unhappy people need constant reassurance that they are accepted, whereas happy people are grounded in self-acceptance. Self-acceptance embraces both pride in oneself and humbleness in relation to the world. Self-acceptance improves our relationships with others, including her children.

HEALTHY SELF-IMAGE

"If you really do put a small value on yourself, rest assured that the world will not raise your price." - Anonymous

We do our children no favor by thinking small and putting ourselves down. It is important to value yourself, trust yourself and have faith in yourself. If you don't trust yourself, if you don't have faith in yourself, your children will not trust you or have faith in you either. This is not to say that one should have arrogant self regard. Maintaining a healthy self-image is a gift we offer to our children.

HONEST COMMUNICATION

"In order to become more honest in our relationships, we need to stop thinking of honesty as cold, hard truth. We also need to abandon the notion that being honest with children means taking their inventories. Instead, we need to think of honesty and sharing our feelings, ideas, and mistakes and allowing our children to share theirs - without fear of rejection or recrimination. Honesty means expressing affection and making amends, recognizing strengths and achievements. It is a moral fresh air - healthy, cleansing, and restorative." -- Alex Packer

How easy it is to mistake honesty for harsh truths, when in fact honesty can be a refreshingly sweet tonic. Honesty in our relationships with our children must include the words, " I love you" just as freely as it emphasizes the words, " I'm upset with you."

YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE YOURSELF

"Remember you cannot change your children. You can only change yourself. So, in what ways could you be different that would make life more peaceful for yourself? If you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've always got." - Noel Swanson

As parents, we're always looking for ways to change our children. What we should be looking for is ways to change ourselves. I'm not just talking about modeling, or setting an example. While these are helpful, our children don't always follow our example. They are however, affected by our moods, behaviors and attitudes. By remaining calm and reasonable when they are upset we create a more corporate atmosphere in the home.

Not Just The Best

Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best. -- Henry Van Dyke

Every child should be encouraged to develop and express his or her talents. We must be careful that we don't over play those children with special or obvious gifts. All children have talents. With some children we must look more carefully to discover them, however. Everyone needs encouragement and support.

BE YOURSELF

The snow goose need not bathe to make itself white. Neither need you do anything but be yourself. - Lao-Tzu

How wonderful to be accepted just the way we are. Gentle acceptance is something we can also offer our children. As parents, we sometimes work too hard at trying to shape and mold our children rather than accepting them. When children feel accepted, they are more cooperative and less inclined to frustrate us. When they feel they can be themselves they are more likely to succeed as well.

THE PRACTICE OF PEACE

"If you, yourself, are at peace, then there is at least some peace in the world." - Thomas Merton

As parents, we set a tone of peace or anxiousness in our home. The more we are able to practice peace and harmony, the easier it is for our children to learn and practice peace as well. The practice of peace begins with the voice. Speaking to one another in warm, calm tones is the beginning of peace. A shrill, raised voice always upsets the peace. It is possible to set limits and to discipline without raising one's voice.

DREAMS, GOALS AND REALITY

"If you want more control over a project, a business or your future, and a greater chance at meeting other long-term goals, it's a good idea to take the time necessary to get it down in writing." - Patt Borgman

"Writing something down is the first step toward making it happen. In conversation, you can get away with vagueness and nonsense, often without even realizing it. But there's something about putting your thoughts on paper that forces you to get down to specifics." - Lee Iacocca

As you reflect on the past year and look forward to 2009, here are some things that may help you achieve your goals. Goals can be thought of as dreams with deadlines. Dreams have a way of remaining ethereal, vague and unrealized. Goals, on the other hand, have a way of becoming your reality. The simplest way to realize your dreams is to turn your dreams into goals, write your goals down on paper, and give yourself a deadline for realizing them.

THE REAL WORK OF CHRISTMAS

Now that the Shepherds have returned to their flocks, the ribbons and wrapping papers have been discarded, the vacancy sign is back up at the inn and the leftovers are nearly all consumed, let us carry out the real work of Christmas, which is to:

welcome the stranger,

feed the hungry,

heal the sick,

visit the lonely,

comfort the afflicted,

bind up the broken hearted,

and share the good news of salvation.

Kid Stuff

by Frank Horne

The wise guys

Tell me

That Christmas

Is kid stuff...

Maybe they've got something there -

Two thousand years ago

Three wise guys

Chased a star

Across a continent

To bring

Frankincense and myrrh

To a kid

Born in a manger

With an idea in his head...

And as the bombs

Crash

All over the world

Today

The real wise guys

Know

That we've all

Got to go chasing stars

Again

In the hope

That we can get back

Some of that

Kid stuff

Born two thousand Years ago -

Take a Breather

A TIP FOR MANAGING STRESS AT THE HOLIDAYS

Be sure to take some time for yourself. Steal away to a quiet place, even if it's the bathroom for a few moments of solitude. Spending a few minutes alone, without distractions, will refresh you. Listen to soothing music. Take a walk at night and stargaze. Find something that reduces stress by clearing your mind, slowing your breathing and restoring inner calm.